I must be too annoying 4 u.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
