Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
