You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
