Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
50% drunk capacity currently
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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