we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
