My dream of liquor pitchers came true
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
