I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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