I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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