It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
