what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
