Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
