All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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