Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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