Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
