Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
