So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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