I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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