Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
