10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
