you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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