Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
