In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize