My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
