It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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