Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize