you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
