this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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