I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
