I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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