I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
