my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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