see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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