she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
