Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
