He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
