Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
