so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
