I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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