I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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