my vag is so smooth its legendary
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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