Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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