No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Couch. On fire.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
