I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
