Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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