she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
