I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
