Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
