I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
