At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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