You smell like a Billy Joel song
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
