I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
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Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
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I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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