I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
