mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
