I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
