I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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