my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
