I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
