either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
