***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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