You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
